re-reading...

ever read back over what you've written in your journal? i love to do that... i read the prayers i've written.. and the aches my heart that i poured out before the Lord.. and see how God has answered them. all. he meets every need.. answers every cry..

sometimes i find things i've written.. desperate pleas to God.. to not let me forget Him.. and the things i've come to know about Him... i've begged him to engrain who he is into my memory.. and cause me to remember His goodness and love.. and let that stir up a passion in me.. and it's cool because when i go back and read what i've written.. i remember the condition of my heart when i wrote that entry.. and God moves in me. again.

when I was in australia last month.. God woke me up eeaaarrrly.. (maybe a little too early.. haha) with a fresh vision for what he wants my ministry to look like... and i couldn't write it down fast enough.. and i hadn't read it again until tonight.. but re-reading it helped me to refocus.. and re-fix my eyes on my beautiful Jesus... my author and finisher... because we all know it's totally possible to become distracted from even the deepest desires of our hearts... and we need to be reminded that at the very core of who we are.. Jesus is our deepest desire.. when we don't allow him to hold that place in our lives.. all kinds of chaos and confusion can arise.. anyway, i'm well aware of how prone to wandering i am... so i'm constantly asking God to help me remember truth... anyway, i'll share:

"Lord God, you've woken me up this morning with a fresh desire to be ready. To be ready at any moment to encourage people with your Word and to declare truth over their lives. I do pray that you would seal that right now inside of my heart and inside of my will... that my primary ministry would arise from being ready to encourage people towards believing in you for things that seem impossible. God keep fresh words from your spirit on my lips and let them come forth from my heart.. from Christ in me. And Lord let what you do in and through me spread to everyone near me. Lord may I become used to this. May it become something normal in my life to be a light house of truth in dark places. Solidify this new thing in me. Oh Lord, thank you so much for a fresh passion.. please keep it alive.. and keep adding life to the fire... stir it up in me so much that if i don't share what you put in my heart with others i cannot even sleep. thank you for new dreams. fresh vision. and a renewed desire to know you intimately. Oh Lord, please hold these things in my heart. do not let me go back to sleep. I love you so much. Change me so that i might make an impact for you."

sometimes when i write to the Lord.. i can tell he's responding to me.. so i write down what he says.. this is what he said to me that morning:

---> "Oh my precious girl.. i've been waiting to wake you up with newness. you are such a light already. let me make you stronger. come to me with every weakness you have. i will lift you up. i will strengthen your heart. i will love you in such a way that it rocks the nations. let me surprise you. let me come through for you. let me have the chance to blow you away with my heart for you. wait on me, child. you won't have to wait much longer. i see your desires. they ache in my chest as well.. the time is coming when we will both be satisfied in regard to the cravings of your spirit. walk with me in love."

How beautiful is that? what a beautiful God.... i can't imagine loving anyone more... nobody else says beautiful things to me like that. he is absolutely my only real delight... and the only one who satisfies...

He is real.. He is alive.. He speaks.. He loves.. He listens.. He reminds..... He is always good.. and he never leaves... or changes his mind...

[resting]

... an australian sunset... because you needed to see it :)

mighty deliverer...

i wonder how many times a day... we are rescued. delivered from the hands of evil.. things that could have come to pass... don't because God intervenes on our behalf. the word of God says that Jesus is constantly interceding for us before the throne.. and that the Lord fights for us and all we have to do is be still... he watches over us. protects us.. keeps his hand on us.. i wonder.. what does God shield our eyes from.. what messes does he clean up that we don't even realize we've made.. does he tie up our loose ends before things fall apart on us... before things go awry... and before we need to be healed and redeemed.. and put back together again.. how often does he prevent our heartache..

i know sometimes we do fall subject to the brokenness of this world... we all have wounds that need healing.. and will probably all encounter more sharp objects hurled at us by the enemy for as long as we are here.. we come to know strife.. we are always needing to be healed.. and reconciled.. and purified.. and refined... the inadequacies of earth tend to leave grubby fingerprints on our righteousness... God doesn't keep his children in a plastic bubble.. but i believe he would if he thought he could get away with it and not tamper with our ability to choose his goodness over the evil we experience on a daily basis.. he is a good God.. he doesn't want us to hurt or cry... or lose our confidence.. and i'd be willing to bet that he does what he can to keep us from pain.. just like any parent.. except more intense.. because he's God of the universe.. and the author of love..

tonight i've been thinking about the idea of God working all things together for the good of those who love him... i love him. therefore.. he is working ALL things together for my good.. this is such a comforting verse to me.. because i'm realizing that when things happen that seem to be a disappointment.. or something i thought was going to happen... doesn't. "MY GOOD" is at the top of God's priority list.. and even though i can't see it yet.. there is more going on than meets the eye.. there's a war in the spirit realm that i can't see.. and my Jesus is taking hits for me... while i am unaware... considering the amount of destruction the enemy would like to do on my life... when i compare that.. to the consistent provision and comfort and love i experience on a daily basis.. i think it would suffice to say that God fights for us.. far more than we could begin to realize... he is FOR us.. he loves. us. and gives us grace.. peace.. rest.. salvation.. good gifts... hope.. a future... and allows us to know his goodness in the land of the living.. what a good.. good.. God... i want to know everything about him..

writing this blog to boost the thanksgiving in my heart... and squelch the efforts of the thief... this Joy is mine.. i'll be keeping it :)

please be a broken record for me...

God is shaping me.. changing me all the time.. carving who he designed me to be out of who i was.. and it's a never-ending process that i'm learning to love.. the more pride he manages to take from me.. the more painless the changing becomes.. and actually.. i'm learning that i change the most when i'm standing in His presence with my eyes on Him.. and not on myself.. that's when he can break things off of me that i couldn't let go of before.. the power of His spirit is the main catalyst for change in my life..

there are about a million things i could tell you that i learned at hillsong.. so many things that i get overwhelmed thinking about having to share them with everyone.. and eventually.. stories will emerge i'm sure.. but for now i can't manage to blog about anything other than the fact that God allured me with wild flowers to a place called Sydney, Australia.. and He met me there... and reminded me that He is wildly in love with me.. and that he is capable of giving me the moon.. and so much more.. and that it's okay to dream.. because dreams come true. and he reminded me that i have a purpose that only i can fulfill.. and that if i don't answer His call for my life.. no one else will.. i'm unique.. and irreplaceable.. and His main priority for my life is that i know him... inside and out.. from every angle... and the rest falls into place...

so upon returning to the states.. i've checked some of my priorities... and placed my king back in His rightful place.. and my heart is light again :)

until next time... love xoxo

more to come...

I haven't forgotten to post about Sydney... i just can't think straight yet.. but i'll leave you with this thought until i get around to processing my week on the other side of the world...

God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond anything we can hope or ask for... do you believe it?

suitcase...

tomorrow my lovely sister and i will be taking a little trip..

time to say something...

so.. i've been pretty silent lately as far as blogs are concerned.. i'd love to say that i have a good reason for not writing... but i don't. and it's strange because i truly love to write...  but i've been in this really weird state of mind lately where i don't feel like myself.. and i haven't felt like doing the things i love the most. like reading. and writing. and creating. so i definitely haven't been blogging. i haven't felt like i have anything to contribute... haven't wanted to share. ((learning about myself that i tend to be sort of closed off.. like a locked room in a tall tower [had to put a brooke lyric in there] :) .. im working on it tho))  honestly if i'm going to be real.. i've been in this really dry place spiritually.. not motivated to seek.. or grow.. which is really strange because i'm constantly immersed in a church that is MORE than alive with the spirit of God and consistent growth and creativity.. and even though all around me people seem to be thriving... i've felt consistently braindead..  and all i've been able to do is watch as the hand of God spurs on this amazing change in our church.. and wonder what is wrong with me because i'm not as excited as i should be. and i've felt ill-equipped to be in a leadership roll among such passionate leaders... i've felt like a bad Christian more in the past few weeks than i ever have. absolutely z e r o grace for myself...... what a shocker.

but the lord is at work in me.. faithful to stay with me even tho i haven't been fighting to be near him.  thru this period of time where i've felt like i'm in this really dry place.. God's been revealing to me that there are still some places in my heart that i haven't given to him for healing.. mainly because i don't realize they are there.. i'm super bad about ignoring things that aren't how i want them to be.. and blocking them out.. so i'm realizing that there's still a ton of stuff that i need to be healed from.. even if i can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is.. i can feel the misplaced heaviness in my heart.. dull aches caused by... something i'm sure. and i think i'm learning that it might always be this way.. even if it's just because of the world we live in. maybe we are just a perpetually broken people who will constantly be in need of a healer until the day He comes for good...  

one night last week i was in the car trying to sort through some of the stuff that's been going through my head about my place in the church... crying to God to please just "fix my heart so you can use me.." and as i sat there feeling like a complete mess.. useless in the kingdom.. i felt like God said::.. "using you is not what i'm thinking about.. your heart is my priority." 

of course. somehow i forgot that God doesn't care about what I can do for him... He doesn't need me. He only wants me...... absolutely must tattoo that on my forehead. 

and it's funny because as i read back over this post... i'm thinking "haven't i blogged about this stuff before? like recently? didn't i already have some big.. awesome revelation about grace... God's love.. and yadda yadda?" but another thing i'm learning::.. i am not above falling for the enemy's tricks... which shouldn't be monumental news... but i give myself too much credit a lot of the time.. much to my surprise.. i am just a regular person who by the grace and power of God has been able to rise above circumstance and come to know truth.. but if i don't fight to hold onto the truth entitled to me....... i'll forget. and buy into a lie. and let it affect the way i live my life.. so capable of believing false things about myself.. and even about God sometimes... and i refuse to believe that i'm the only person who seems to have it all together that actually doesn't... none of us do.  leaders. followers. and everyone in between... we're all in need of a saviour. 

so anyway.. i'm letting the truth back in. and getting stronger everyday. just thought i'd tell you about it.... and be an overcomer by the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony. 

peace :)

It's been a REALLY long time since i've blogged... but i have in no way decided to turn my back on the blogging world. i've just been super busy.. between work and leading worship and helping out with random things in the church here and there... plus the occasional concert and spending time with my beautiful friends.. there's been no time to update my blog.. so this isn't really going to suffice for the huge gap of time between the last time i posted and right now.. but it will have to do.. 

a quick bulleted list of the things i'm learning/thinking...

- being bad at something is a horrible reason not to do it.

- being behind the scenes instead of center stage is very rewarding.

- i'm learning more and more about just how perpetually broken i am.. and there is always something that God can heal in me.. i just have to constantly let my guard down so he can search me out.. and we cross those bridges when we find them. together.

- i want a kitten. but when it becomes a cat.. i want to trade it in for another kitten.

- Snuggle fabric softener is made from clouds and springtime.. no more wal-mart brand for me.

- i'm almost ready for fall.... ALMOST.

- i bought a tide-to-go pen yesterday.. should solve all of my problems on weekends where the worship team has to wear white.. 

- the atmosphere of New Life Church/ Real Life worship seems to be stirring and shifting a lot lately... which means God is doing a new thing.. and i like it :)

- my prayer lately has been that the most influential person in my life would be the Lord.. that He would be the only person who really has the ability to radically change who i am or what i'm doing.. 

the sunset yesterday...